Who Am I?
In normal everyday conversation, if you ask a certain person "who are you?" the answer might be "I am Jill; I am a white Caucasian female, I am 43 years old, I am a wife and mother, I am a little league coach, I am a homeowner currently living in Portland Oregon, I am a high school graduate, I work for Bartell's..." Is this really Jill? Is Jill the roles she plays, the gender or current age of her body, her past accomplishments, her employment status, her possessions or her place of residence? My point of view is that although sure, I play roles in my life, I have material things, I seem to live in a certain type of body, these are not really "me."
One could consider "the story of Mark," describing my parents, my conception and birth, how I came into the world, my upbringing and experiences, relationships, adventures, and activities. I was there during the acting out of that story, but is that story me? I don't think so. If an actor plays a part in a movie, when the day's work on set is over, the actor resumes his or her regular life. I kind of look at this life as like playing a part in a movie; after it's over I expect to return to my real "life."
Now while I'm here, if I look beyond the things that represent "my story," what is left? I can say that I am an observer of my inner and outer world. I am loved, I feel love flowing both to me and from me. Maybe love is all I am. (I feel other things as well, though to feel only 100% love flowing all the time is my intent.) I am creative, I am open, I am grateful, I am joyful, I am at peace, I am at times passionate, at other times tranquil and serene. I am contemplative. I am moved to laughter, at other times moved to tears.
We know the word "ego" through the work of Sigmund Freud, who considered the ego to be the part of the mind that is the seat of consciousness, the part of us that looks out for our physical safety and looks for ways to satisfy our primitive desires. It is our ego that is responsible for the ways we act to defend ourselves, feed and care for our bodies, take actions to get things that we (as we identify with our bodies) desire. The ego would act to get more--more possessions, more power, more control, more money, more status symbols. In fact to the ego, there is never enough. When we act from our egos, no matter how much money shows up on the bank statement, it is never as much as we would like.
In my view, the concept of the ego can be taken a step further. Consider the concept of a corporation or organization, a political party, a religion, or a nation. Each of these shares some traits of the same personal ego we have been talking about. Each wants to gain power and control or influence, each wants to grow stronger, each looks out for its own well being and will defend itself if attacked and will attack if a benefit is expected as a result. Usually, the ones doing the attacking or defending are doing so due to their identification with the egoic entity--they are acting on its behalf because they have mixed up their own personal identity with the larger one.
If I think of myself an American with my identity (who I see myself as) at least in part connected with my nation, I will feel "proud" if, for example, the USA does well at the Olympics. I can feel attacked in a personal way as a result of an attack on the country. I might feel a similar sense of outrage at the actions of someone who harms our troops in combat to how I might feel if someone harms my own body or that of a loved one.
I may identify strongly with my career or profession. I may say "I am an engineer." If for whatever reason I lose my job, or when the time comes for my retirement, I can no longer call myself an engineer. Such a shift can be painful, depending on the degree of the identification with that label. An uncomfortable sense of falling into a void can occur at the sudden loss of an egoic identity.
There is at least one organization that does not exhibit egoic qualities: Alcoholics Anonymous. AA has no organized leadership, no profit-making motive, no need to expand its influence or power. It persists because it offers support to those in need. While some religions are founded on the notion that one must offer tithes in return for the wisdom of the church elders, AA functions by demonstrating that each person who comes with a sincere desire to find peace and freedom from his or her addiction has much to offer everyone.
It is possible to identify with things that are timeless, and don't even depend on having a body (which is good, because bodies seem to have a limited life span). If I say "I am conscious awareness" then I can wonder, does conscious awareness require a body? There are stories of out-of-body experiences that people have reported suggesting that indeed, awareness does not depend on the physical senses. I can say "I am the one who experiences love." Again, no body is needed for that.
